The most recognizable side-effect of my bipolar mind is mania.
My mania is equal to a live version of System of a Down’s B.Y.O.B., which I’ve lovingly posted here (*Caution: there is a tiny bit of cussing in the video):
Within this amazingly fast-paced song I find several places to be Calm, and if I trace the intensity of the song in my mind, it emulates my manic episodes.
Dots I’ve connected:
- Thought-evoking words strung together, sung so fast they are on the edge of gibberish. When I’m manic, I think about everything, all the time, at the same time – at about 100 mph, which in turn feels like gibberish in my own head. And like the song, I dart from A to B in a matter of milliseconds. Sounds super fun, right? With the right meds, my mania is controlled, and for that I’m thankful.
- Bouts of chill choruses. The chorus can be heard several times throughout the song. For me, those are the moments that my brain runs out of adrenaline, and I crash. It’s like going from 100mph to 5mph, a race track to a Sunday drive. Though this sounds like a space to reset, my mind doesn’t have enough stamina to remember to breathe. It’s more like a state of numbness, where there aren’t any thoughts, just limbo. (“Everybody’s going to the party, have a real good time.”)
- A continuous beat of thick guitar. This is similar to the constant strength that follows me through the day, chasing the mania, tirelessly taming the intensity. It’s beautiful in the song, and throughout my life.
- “Where the f*ck are you?!” Pardon the language, but this is something I ask myself literally all day long. I am constantly checking in with myself, trying to remain present within the hour at hand. I’m more comfortable with the present, rather than the future.
Let’s talk. What song is your personality disorder? I’m interested in knowing if we have varying levels of intensity.
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*Please note, I am not a professional. This post is simply me sharing my personal experiences battling BPD.