I find a lot of my motivation through song lyrics. If I connect with them, I kick it.
One of AC/DC’s songs, ‘Spoilin’ For a Fight’, gets me in the mood. In the mood for taking back my life, kicking ass and taking some names. Might even throw a throat punch or two in there.
To be totally transparent. which is something really important to me when I write, I am obese. I would say morbidly obese. Like a lot of other people, I haven’t always been that way. I’m so heavy right now that I can’t stand for very long because my lower back starts hurting so intensely I could cry. I sweat when I wash dishes or do laundry because I’m holding so much extra weight.
As humans, we observe so many things every single day. We see love, hate, kindness, and negativity. I can’t imagine the hit our physical and emotional bodies take because of each one of these things we take in. Both in a positive and negative way.
I’d like to talk about some of the things I see.
I see a puppy who is getting up in age but still loves her belly rubs, playing tug of war, and going for walks. Yes, she gets sore, but she erupts with happiness the moment she sees me or my husband. I want to have more of that happiness in my life. She’s a great reminder that it can happen.
Have you ever had those days where you’re just like “How the hell did I get here?” I had one of those days today. I got so incredibly frustrated with almost everything. The house was a mess, the husband was mad, the dog needed things, and I just wasn’t enough.
After I got all my frustration out and settled down a bit, I was able to assess where I really was. To be honest, I didn’t like what I saw. I was angry, whiny, selfish, and just plain yucky. I’ve come to a point in my life where I need to make some big changes so I don’t stay stuck in the spot I’m in. Because the worst spot in life to be is stuck.
I’m gonna get real here for a minute. Sometimes, I’d rather just sleep. Let’s face it, life is hard, it sucks, and when dealing with my depression and bipolar, it makes sleep a valid option and a necessary evil.
So, there are all the natural good reasons why sleep is excellent for your health. Things like recovery, memory processing, and simply rest. But, personally, I have other reasons why sleep helps me.
To bypass reality – my everyday life is full of reasoning, doubt, worry, and anxiety. It takes a lot of energy to work through all of those feelings. I understand people say don’t worry so much, or don’t doubt – it’s a waste of time. I understand that however, unfortunately, I can’t just turn it off. Instead, I decide to get extra rest.
I enjoy writing based on relevant and timely personal experience. This past weekend threw me way off balance. It takes me by surprise! I could be going along, making forward progress and then WHAM!, change happens.
Now you might be thinking ‘Goodness this girl is sensitive!’ And I would say ‘Yes, yes I am!’ I believe I am a lot more sensitive than others. One thing is for sure though, sensitivity does not make me weak, it’s just another level I have to work through in my every day.
I’m gonna throw some love out there. So many of my posts are about dealing with sticky situations that aren’t necessarily positive, so I thought I’d talk about a truly bright part of my life.
My therapist is my devil’s advocate, my friend, my rock, and my stepping stone. I find so much value in my sessions with her and found myself wanting to dive deeper into why I get so much out of these sessions and whether anyone else might feel the same way.
Whether it’s healthy or not, who knows. It works for me. There’s something deep-seeded and primordial that lives within me. And in order to relieve that pressure, I use various forms of therapy to help. One of those forms of therapy is listening to deep, throaty, guitar-heavy, angry, passionate music. It’s like I’m a pressure cooker, and filling my ears with this glorious noise releases the steam.
I always thought it was something I just enjoyed, that was very different from my fellow female friends. Forget Brittney, give me some Slipknot.
The story of my life is an elusive one. Some parts ai remember, other parts are locked in a prison far far away. I don’t mind it. I just figure some parts aren’t supposed to surface until just the right time.
Other memories pop up like fire crackers when I’m least expecting them. I imagine a unicorn transcends time. It’s cool all the time. I like to think the unicorn is tough on the outside while on the inside, it is filled with confetti-like glitter. Sometimes, that glitter is all sitting at the bottom like pennies at the bottom of a piggy bank, but sometimes, when something super magical happens, it floats around like balloons at a party.
I’ve been silent for a while. Part of me hates that, part of me knows I needed it. Breaks, regardless of what they are from, are key to a healthy lifestyle for me.
When my mind gets going in so many directions it can’t remember what comes next, it’s time for a break. Sometimes it’s a break from everything, or just one thing. What’s frustrating is that I can’t plan when these breaks need to occur. It’s a lesson in patience to know when I need to back-off and take a rest.
Due to med changes and brain chemistry alignments, my depression has reared it’s ugly head yet again.
This is the kind of depression that I had when I was first diagnosed, and just getting on medication. So, it’s ugly and angry. And all I can do is keep fighting. It’s a silent battle. One I don’t like to talk about because it makes me feel weak. It’s a battle that is raging in my head while on the outside I seem… fine.
Well, yeah, I’m ok… but this really sucks. So, instead of keeping my battle secrets to myself, I want to share them so maybe others don’t feel quite so alone.