This Depression is Kicking my Butt

mental health

Due to med changes and brain chemistry alignments, my depression has reared it’s ugly head yet again.

This is the kind of depression that I had when I was first diagnosed, and just getting on medication. So, it’s ugly and angry. And all I can do is keep fighting. It’s a silent battle. One I don’t like to talk about because it makes me feel weak. It’s a battle that is raging in my head while on the outside I seem… fine.

Well, yeah, I’m ok… but this really sucks. So, instead of keeping my battle secrets to myself, I want to share them so maybe others don’t feel quite so alone.

One Year, Our Year

mental health

wedding

Our very first wedding anniversary.

It’s hard for me to believe a year, 365 days, has already come, and that we’ve survived a year of marriage already. This year has NOT been easy, pretty, or fun. Honestly, it’s been a shit show.

We’ve dealt with death of a loved one, unemployment, instability, growing in our faith, and financial hardship. I know we both expected to work at this, but never expected it to take this much work.

Distorted Reality

mental health

mentalhealth

Hello beautiful writing community. I’ve been out of commission for a minute.

My husband’s grandfather, a man who I had the pleasure of getting close to, Pa – passed away July 1st. It was a bittersweet event that will be with me for the rest of my life. It was a blessing and an honor to stand next to him as he took his last breath. He was a beautiful man, and he will be missed. So I’m dedicating this post to him… Pa.

Being a survivor of depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder, I’ve realized through this struggle with grief, which is very new to me, that I fight with assimilating in order to make everyone around me happy. Along with this realization, I have also discovered that there is absolutely nothing False about any one person’s way of grieving.

What I Learned From My Failed Whole30

fitness

w30

A Whole30 is 30 days without any sort of processed foods: no alcohol, no dairy, no processed stuff. It’s hardcore.

I’m the kind of person who likes to do 20,001 things all at one time, and believe that I can give 100% to each and every thing. Yeah… no. Not happening.

I am choosing not to look at this as a failure, but a learned lesson. I learned more about myself than I would’ve than if I hadn’t tried. And to me, that’s a success. This life is a journey, and the more I can learn about myself, the better.

I learned I lack discipline, right now. I can work on that. I can get better at that.

I learned that I’m focusing on getting my medication for my diagnosis of bipolar depression and anxiety right now. That’s my priority.

I Am Small, But My God Is Big

mental health

prayer

As I sit here propped up in bed (I should be sleeping, but my nails need to dry some more – that’s my excuse anyway) – I’m listening to a storm roll through. I LOVE STORMS. Yes, I would be a storm chaser if I could switch careers.

As I listen though – I was prompted to think about how big my God is, and how in the midst of life’s storms – He’s got me. Let’s study Job for some references to the weather and how big God is:

• Job 28:25-27: “When He imparted weight to the wind And meted out the waters by measure, When He set a limit for the rain And a course for the thunderbolt, Then He saw it and declared it; He established it and also searched it out.” // How comforting is it that He has a plan and path for each rain drop, and each bolt of lightning, and crash of thunder? How much more than does He care about the direction and path for my life.

Base Training Begins

fitness

fitness

Base training is the safe and injury-free way of beginning to train for a race. For me – it’s starting from scratch and building up to a place where I can comfortable put the miles in for a marathon I plan on running in November of 2016. It will be my second marathon and I plan on killing it. But, I need to arrive to the starting line with weight lost, my fitness right, and God on my side.

The base training I’ve chosen was found on competitor.com

Surrender

mental health

peace

This has got to be one of the HARDEST things to learn how to do. And I am completely surrounded by God’s hand asking me to dig deeper in this phenomenon.

For example, this morning I stopped at the ATM to withdraw some money so that I can feed myself throughout the day. Cause feeding yourself is super important, obviously. But, God had a different plan. The ATM decided it wasn’t handing out cash today, so what did I do? After I threw a tiny tantrum, I said

It’s Not Falling Apart, It’s Falling Into Place

mental health

puzzle

So, I’ve been totally struggling with life lately. Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE being married to my husband, and just married life in general. But, I’m trying to figure myself out you know? I just can’t seem to get it… but I’m pretty sure I’m on the verge. And I heard something today on my way to work that totally changed my perspective.

I do understand that it’s not about the finish line, and that it’s more about the journey, so maybe this is just a step in the right direction, but, at least it’s a step!

Gun Powder and Lead

fitness

run

Yep. That’s what girls are made of.

I hope all my readers are having a wonderful Valentine’s Day! This fiance of mine did very well. Flowers, a wonderful dinner, and a cruise around town like we used to do. It was perfect. Whatever your perfect may be – I hope that’s how your day went.

Well, I’ve been kicking butt and taking names! I’ve stayed on track, and my eyes are focused up. The last three days have been killer:

Thursday (Day 4 of 1/2 training):
Cardio: 2.5 mile runWeightlifting: Kettlebell swings (20 reps, 10 lbs.), Deadlift (barbell only, 5 sets of 5), Lat pull-down (3 sets of 8-12, 40 lbs. – this one hurt a little!), Bent-over row (3 sets of 8-12, 10 lb. dumbells), Incline bicep curl (3 sets of 8-12, 10 lb. dumbbell)

The Storm After The Calm

creativity

seasons

With 2015 upon me, one resolution I’ve decided upon (no, it’s not a weight loss resolution!) is to consistently write for my blog. With that, I was blessed with my first topic for the new year – Seasons.

I’ve been going through one of the longest most grueling seasons of my life. It all started with a decision, made mutually with God, to move towards change, healing, and forgiving. This season of mine has felt like a long, winding, dense wilderness full of images of past regrets, hurt, loneliness, anger, and frustration. Don’t get me wrong – God shows me glimpses of the meadow beyond the wilderness – so my hope lives on.