This is a new segment I’ll be doing most Fridays. It’ll be short and sweet, which will ensure I stay with it. I’m trying to get better at writing consistently!
This Friday I’m highlighting Korn’s live concert @ Woodstock 1999. I’m a total 90s grunge and metal junkie. It’s what I was raised on and what will forever make me feel grounded. This concert centers me, and the energy from the crowd blows me away.
The story of my life is an elusive one. Some parts ai remember, other parts are locked in a prison far far away. I don’t mind it. I just figure some parts aren’t supposed to surface until just the right time.
Other memories pop up like fire crackers when I’m least expecting them. I imagine a unicorn transcends time. It’s cool all the time. I like to think the unicorn is tough on the outside while on the inside, it is filled with confetti-like glitter. Sometimes, that glitter is all sitting at the bottom like pennies at the bottom of a piggy bank, but sometimes, when something super magical happens, it floats around like balloons at a party.
Anxiety is a mental illness, and I get to battle it daily (along with many others).
TRUTH (a wonderful infographic to read, if you’re interested in more understanding can be found at the Mental Health America website:
• NO. It’s not nervousness about a coming event.
• NO. It’s not from too much caffeine consumption.
• NO. It’s not attention-seeking.
• YES. It’s me analyzing EVERYTHING.
• YES. It’s a negative voice that follows me EVERYWHERE.
• YES. I am constantly overcoming fears and worries to battle it.
And no, I’m not ashamed (nor should you be). This is real. Let’s talk about it.
You may be thinking ‘Why would I WANT to be Open to the onus?’ An onus is after all basically a really shitty task, burden, or obligation.
That sounds awful. Right? It is if you choose to let it be awful. And that decision it completely up to you. Believe me, as I walk through my personality and depressive disorders, I’ve chosen to let that onus be really crappy more often than not, because for me, I’ve lived a life full of onuses that I’ve had to deal with while my brain is broken, which means, even though it may seem completely backwards, I’m comfortable in that uncomfortable space.
Today, for me, being open to my onus was choosing to say ‘yes’ to having coffee with a very dear friend of mine. You might say ‘But, that’s not a burden. That’s not an obligation. That’s fun and uplifting!’ On the contrary — to me, and my broke (but mending) brain it’s a scary, socially awkward, worrisome, new, anxiety-filled burden. An onus, if you will.
This has got to be one of the HARDEST things to learn how to do. And I am completely surrounded by God’s hand asking me to dig deeper in this phenomenon.
For example, this morning I stopped at the ATM to withdraw some money so that I can feed myself throughout the day. Cause feeding yourself is super important, obviously. But, God had a different plan. The ATM decided it wasn’t handing out cash today, so what did I do? After I threw a tiny tantrum, I said