I Might Look Sweet, But I Listen To Angry Music… And Love It.

music

Whether it’s healthy or not, who knows. It works for me. There’s something deep-seeded and primordial that lives within me. And in order to relieve that pressure, I use various forms of therapy to help.  One of those forms of therapy is listening to deep, throaty, guitar-heavy, angry, passionate music. It’s like I’m a pressure cooker, and filling my ears with this glorious noise releases the steam.

I always thought it was something I just enjoyed, that was very different from my fellow female friends. Forget Brittney, give me some Slipknot.

This Depression is Kicking my Butt

mental health

Due to med changes and brain chemistry alignments, my depression has reared it’s ugly head yet again.

This is the kind of depression that I had when I was first diagnosed, and just getting on medication. So, it’s ugly and angry. And all I can do is keep fighting. It’s a silent battle. One I don’t like to talk about because it makes me feel weak. It’s a battle that is raging in my head while on the outside I seem… fine.

Well, yeah, I’m ok… but this really sucks. So, instead of keeping my battle secrets to myself, I want to share them so maybe others don’t feel quite so alone.

3 Peace Producers You Need

mental health

peace

I needed to release things today. Let go of them. Say ‘hit the road jack, and don’t come back.’ The willing release of things that don’t serve you is a practice that reaps positive rewards. And the more you practice, the easier it becomes.

Here are 3 things that help me find, produce, and keep my peace:
• Letting go. Life is going to happen whether I worry about it or not. Often times, I find a lot of my anxiety comes from trying to control too much. Now, it’s human nature for me to try to control, so learning to let go can sometimes be similar to pulling teeth. But, when I get that balance between the future, and the past, it equals the present, and being in the present is worth all the toil and trouble to get there. Surprisingly, letting go offers me a sense of stability, the complete opposite of what I think it would offer. This stability grows into contentment, and contentment grows into a vast and structured peace.

Anxiety: The Good Space

mental health

happyplace

A large part of my anxiety comes from my ‘hurry-up’ offense, my ‘point A to point B’, my ‘get to the finish line as fast as I can’. So many times, I catch myself focusing so incredibly hard on what the finish will feel like, that I completely lose touch with the journey to get to the finish, which is where the magic happens.

My yoga practice forced me to take a long, easy, quiet look at that journey, that magic, today. Of course, I had no idea I needed to slow down and appreciate where I was until I was frustrated on my mat throwing a tantrum, because that’s just how I roll. #stubbornashell

One Year, Our Year

mental health

wedding

Our very first wedding anniversary.

It’s hard for me to believe a year, 365 days, has already come, and that we’ve survived a year of marriage already. This year has NOT been easy, pretty, or fun. Honestly, it’s been a shit show.

We’ve dealt with death of a loved one, unemployment, instability, growing in our faith, and financial hardship. I know we both expected to work at this, but never expected it to take this much work.

Transformation Takes Two

mental health

diverse

Transformation

Well, if that isn’t a loaded topic, I don’t know what is.

But, we can do this, together. Here we go.

Transformation can be a difficult thing to imagine, see, and especially do. At this moment in my life, I’ve felt that I’ve been on the verge of transformation for some time. Now, things around me, my relationships, my hobbies, I’ve seen them transform— now, I believe it’s my turn. I want, more than anything, to safely lose the weight I’ve packed on over the years, and keep it off. Before that happens though, I now know that it can’t be just another fad diet or complete restriction—it has to come from within me.

Proposal for Purpose

mental health

passion

Now, finding a Purpose for things is easy. A hose brings water from one place to another. A lawn mower cuts the grass. Goggles keep water out of your eyes. A personal purpose is another story. If you feel like a fish out of water — you’re not alone.

I’ve struggled greatly with this, especially through my times of deep depression. As I begin crawling out of my deep, dark hole – I see how important understanding what my purpose is. Yet, there seems to be a huge learning curve. I have no idea where to start.

Dis•ci•pline

mental health

discipline

Not just any discipline, but self discipline. It’s said that self discipline is the key to utter happiness. Self discipline is not something learned overnight, or downloaded off the internet (believe me, I’ve tried everything!) – it takes lots of practice, repetition and falling down and getting back up.

So let’s put our big kid pants on and give it a try – shall we? I mean seriously – nothing worth going for is easy. And if this is the key to life happiness, then heck yeah!

Set yourself up for success: I’ve been reading that it’s best if you just kick out the distractions. Whatever that is for you, be it television, that trusty old smartphone, or, like me – food – get rid of it. Toss it. Pitch it. Turn it off! By getting out from under those things – it helps to allow a deeper sense of focus on what’s important.

I Am Small, But My God Is Big

mental health

prayer

As I sit here propped up in bed (I should be sleeping, but my nails need to dry some more – that’s my excuse anyway) – I’m listening to a storm roll through. I LOVE STORMS. Yes, I would be a storm chaser if I could switch careers.

As I listen though – I was prompted to think about how big my God is, and how in the midst of life’s storms – He’s got me. Let’s study Job for some references to the weather and how big God is:

• Job 28:25-27: “When He imparted weight to the wind And meted out the waters by measure, When He set a limit for the rain And a course for the thunderbolt, Then He saw it and declared it; He established it and also searched it out.” // How comforting is it that He has a plan and path for each rain drop, and each bolt of lightning, and crash of thunder? How much more than does He care about the direction and path for my life.