Spoilin’ for a fight.

movies + tv

I find a lot of my motivation through song lyrics. If I connect with them, I kick it.

One of AC/DC’s songs, ‘Spoilin’ For a Fight’, gets me in the mood. In the mood for taking back my life, kicking ass and taking some names. Might even throw a throat punch or two in there.

To be totally transparent. which is something really important to me when I write, I am obese. I would say morbidly obese. Like a lot of other people, I haven’t always been that way. I’m so heavy right now that I can’t stand for very long because my lower back starts hurting so intensely I could cry. I sweat when I wash dishes or do laundry because I’m holding so much extra weight.

This Depression is Kicking my Butt

mental health

Due to med changes and brain chemistry alignments, my depression has reared it’s ugly head yet again.

This is the kind of depression that I had when I was first diagnosed, and just getting on medication. So, it’s ugly and angry. And all I can do is keep fighting. It’s a silent battle. One I don’t like to talk about because it makes me feel weak. It’s a battle that is raging in my head while on the outside I seem… fine.

Well, yeah, I’m ok… but this really sucks. So, instead of keeping my battle secrets to myself, I want to share them so maybe others don’t feel quite so alone.

Anxiety: The Good Space

mental health

happyplace

A large part of my anxiety comes from my ‘hurry-up’ offense, my ‘point A to point B’, my ‘get to the finish line as fast as I can’. So many times, I catch myself focusing so incredibly hard on what the finish will feel like, that I completely lose touch with the journey to get to the finish, which is where the magic happens.

My yoga practice forced me to take a long, easy, quiet look at that journey, that magic, today. Of course, I had no idea I needed to slow down and appreciate where I was until I was frustrated on my mat throwing a tantrum, because that’s just how I roll. #stubbornashell

I Battle Anxiety, Don’t Tell Me to Relax.

mental health

crazyAnxiety is a mental illness, and I get to battle it daily (along with many others).

TRUTH (a wonderful infographic to read, if you’re interested in more understanding can be found at the Mental Health America website:
NO. It’s not nervousness about a coming event.
NO. It’s not from too much caffeine consumption.
NO. It’s not attention-seeking.
YES. It’s me analyzing EVERYTHING.
YES. It’s a negative voice that follows me EVERYWHERE.
YES. I am constantly overcoming fears and worries to battle it.
And no, I’m not ashamed (nor should you be). This is real. Let’s talk about it.

Dealing with BPD: Don’t Touch My Naptime

mental health

nap

I stumbled across a Pinterest post that struck a chord. First, let’s get the basics down:

Yes. I’m diagnosed with Bipolar.
Yes. My bipolar is paired with depression, anxiety, and OCD.
No. I do not use my diagnosis as an excuse, but rather as a challenge to change the discussion around mental illness. It’s not a taboo subject. Do not be ashamed. And don’t be afraid to ask questions!

The Final Pose

fitness

yoga
I just finished my 40 minute yoga practice (check it out —> Yoga with Adriene / 40 Min Beginner – it’s ‘yummy’!) and found I was surprisingly inspired by the final pose, the corpse pose, savasana.

I was inspired by how difficult it has always been for me, and maybe for others, and yet how restorative it is. I did some research and found that I’m not the only one that feels the difficulty. According to Yoga Journal, the pose is described as feeling like ‘nothing’. It’s beautiful! That’s exactly it. However, in my experience, a lot of work goes into that wonderful ‘nothing’ feeling. Yoga Journal suggests, when you find yourself ‘trying’ to experience the pose, to allow your brain to descend to the back of your skull (weird I know, but it works!), and to think of Abhinavagupta’s (you can read more about him on Wikipedia) wise saying:

“Abandon nothing. Take up nothing. Rest, abide in yourself, just as you are.”