Whether it’s healthy or not, who knows. It works for me. There’s something deep-seeded and primordial that lives within me. And in order to relieve that pressure, I use various forms of therapy to help. One of those forms of therapy is listening to deep, throaty, guitar-heavy, angry, passionate music. It’s like I’m a pressure cooker, and filling my ears with this glorious noise releases the steam.
I always thought it was something I just enjoyed, that was very different from my fellow female friends. Forget Brittney, give me some Slipknot.
I needed to release things today. Let go of them. Say ‘hit the road jack, and don’t come back.’ The willing release of things that don’t serve you is a practice that reaps positive rewards. And the more you practice, the easier it becomes.
Here are 3 things that help me find, produce, and keep my peace: • Letting go. Life is going to happen whether I worry about it or not. Often times, I find a lot of my anxiety comes from trying to control too much. Now, it’s human nature for me to try to control, so learning to let go can sometimes be similar to pulling teeth. But, when I get that balance between the future, and the past, it equals the present, and being in the present is worth all the toil and trouble to get there. Surprisingly, letting go offers me a sense of stability, the complete opposite of what I think it would offer. This stability grows into contentment, and contentment grows into a vast and structured peace.
A large part of my anxiety comes from my ‘hurry-up’ offense, my ‘point A to point B’, my ‘get to the finish line as fast as I can’. So many times, I catch myself focusing so incredibly hard on what the finish will feel like, that I completely lose touch with the journey to get to the finish, which is where the magic happens.
My yoga practice forced me to take a long, easy, quiet look at that journey, that magic, today. Of course, I had no idea I needed to slow down and appreciate where I was until I was frustrated on my mat throwing a tantrum, because that’s just how I roll. #stubbornashell
I just finished my 40 minute yoga practice (check it out —> Yoga with Adriene / 40 Min Beginner – it’s ‘yummy’!) and found I was surprisingly inspired by the final pose, the corpse pose, savasana.
I was inspired by how difficult it has always been for me, and maybe for others, and yet how restorative it is. I did some research and found that I’m not the only one that feels the difficulty. According to Yoga Journal, the pose is described as feeling like ‘nothing’. It’s beautiful! That’s exactly it. However, in my experience, a lot of work goes into that wonderful ‘nothing’ feeling. Yoga Journal suggests, when you find yourself ‘trying’ to experience the pose, to allow your brain to descend to the back of your skull (weird I know, but it works!), and to think of Abhinavagupta’s (you can read more about him on Wikipedia) wise saying:
“Abandon nothing. Take up nothing. Rest, abide in yourself, just as you are.”
As I sit here on the floor next to the closest outlet I could find /because we all know outlets are like gold among airports/ I reflect on what it means to be a traveler on a Voyage.
A voyage can be many things. A vacation. A business trip. A road trip. A kayaking trip. Mine happened to be a business trip, and while some might lose sight of the positive aspects of a business trip – this trip has reminded me how blessed I am.
Blessing #1: I have a company willing to invest their time and money in me and furthering my education on the products I deal with as a graphic designer for them. I love my job /not every day is perfect, but for the most part, I’m in love/ and always look for way to improve my view of what I work with.
You may be thinking ‘Why would I WANT to be Open to the onus?’ An onus is after all basically a really shitty task, burden, or obligation.
That sounds awful. Right? It is if you choose to let it be awful. And that decision it completely up to you. Believe me, as I walk through my personality and depressive disorders, I’ve chosen to let that onus be really crappy more often than not, because for me, I’ve lived a life full of onuses that I’ve had to deal with while my brain is broken, which means, even though it may seem completely backwards, I’m comfortable in that uncomfortable space.
Today, for me, being open to my onus was choosing to say ‘yes’ to having coffee with a very dear friend of mine. You might say ‘But, that’s not a burden. That’s not an obligation. That’s fun and uplifting!’ On the contrary — to me, and my broke (but mending) brain it’s a scary, socially awkward, worrisome, new, anxiety-filled burden. An onus, if you will.
As I sit here propped up in bed (I should be sleeping, but my nails need to dry some more – that’s my excuse anyway) – I’m listening to a storm roll through. I LOVE STORMS. Yes, I would be a storm chaser if I could switch careers.
As I listen though – I was prompted to think about how big my God is, and how in the midst of life’s storms – He’s got me. Let’s study Job for some references to the weather and how big God is:
• Job 28:25-27: “When He imparted weight to the wind And meted out the waters by measure, When He set a limit for the rain And a course for the thunderbolt, Then He saw it and declared it; He established it and also searched it out.” // How comforting is it that He has a plan and path for each rain drop, and each bolt of lightning, and crash of thunder? How much more than does He care about the direction and path for my life.
So, I’ve been totally struggling with life lately. Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE being married to my husband, and just married life in general. But, I’m trying to figure myself out you know? I just can’t seem to get it… but I’m pretty sure I’m on the verge. And I heard something today on my way to work that totally changed my perspective.
I do understand that it’s not about the finish line, and that it’s more about the journey, so maybe this is just a step in the right direction, but, at least it’s a step!